From holding on to letting go

Void. That is what I have been feeling lately. I have no insight into where these feelings made abode into my heart.

Every passing while I look around myself, I feel these unnoticed and impalpable auras surrounding me with their cold gloominess, whelming into their abyss of vacuity. Going back and forth in the progression of my life, the only question I asked myself on a recurrent core. “How come did I land up here?”. And the answer was, still anonymous.

You left. That was the only thing known to me. the vine twig outside my window lost its hue. Green. It used to be rich green. But now, those have turned pallid. Dainty and detached. Delicate. So delicate that, even a gush of breeze could make it wither away.

The air has lost its aroma. It seems neither chilly nor warm, just a dusty gush of air making the already loosened soil dance with it. Neither does it rain, nor it is the scorching heat. It is just the muggy thick climate with an intense smell of gloominess. And my life has been the same. But not the same. I wake up as usual but this time, with faint hopelessness encircling my thinking skills. I have no motivation to get up because I have got nothing to think about the entire day, nothing to work for. I type in my feelings, or the fake ones, or things that have been on my mind for so long. I type it all in, with a monologue mind of mine, in a clear deceptive perception that you might see it someday. with faltering hope, that you might still care.

The vine twig turned yellow, pale, fragile, it lost its freshness, it lost its identity. Some said, it was because of the changing weather but I knew in my heart that it was all because of your departure. You left, without saying a word, without listening to me, without giving me an explanation. you left without a goodbye. You said you loved me, didn’t you? Is this how we treat people we love? You said I was your priority, but I never asked you for that worship, did I ever complain? turns out, those words mere words, I wasn’t even on the list. stupid me. Naive, the only word that describes me, was I naive? My heart says no, I was very vigilant and thoughtful with my actions. were you naive, probably yes. I will never impute you, I might not even complain. You know I will always wish for the best for you. But tell me one thing, will you do that for me?

Those words, that ignorance, and those broken promises, it all feels like someone wring my heart and left is empty. It feels like I was inebriated for a short period, while someone pushed me off the cliff and now I am sober but the only bad thing is, I am still in the midst of my flight to crush on the ground. I can feel pain, I will feel pain. They say monotonicity is not good for health, they say even the season tells you about the longing of lost love. and truly it does.

But I felt stifling amid the chaos, I felt suffocating with these emotions inside me while you didn’t even fret about it. I look out the window and see a fresh sprig, green so full of life, the tiny little twig striving hard to grow amid the wearying weather. and soon I realized, I found a new habit of looking at it every morning.

One day, the twig finally grew into a healthy leaf, my heart bloomed with happiness. The green leaf smelled fresh and I could feel a gush of freshness slithering inside me. The sun smiled at me, the breeze brushed my face with its silky wings. I smiled, genuinely. It didn’t matter if you cared or not, I am going to forgive you. and this time I vowed to put myself first, so I did. My phone beeped with some hazy texts, it was from you. I smiled and swiped left the notification. I breathed freshness once again.

The old leaf fell with a swirling movement on the ground.